I am writing this as a cathartic exercise.
Today Eugene, the rabbit, died. I am
My initial reaction to finding him was that he must be sleeping or relaxing. Even when I know he has gone, there is a little part of my brains saying “maybe he isn’t dead” “maybe he will wake up in a minute”, no. This face doesn’t hit me straight away, I end up sitting on the couch for a while before it hits me. He isn’t coming back, I won’t see him jumping around again and I won’t get to stroke his head, how selfish of me, it is all about what I won,t get to experience from him. Not the fact he won’t get to do them, which led me to the next stage.
I am angry that I am being selfish. I am angry that this happened and I don’t know why. I am angry that I am alone when I found him. I am angry that he was alone when it happened.
There must be a way around this, I will find a way to not “deal” with this, I will be able to ignore this has happened and I will let somebody else “sort it out”
My instinct is to suppress. It hurts and I don’t want to feel it. I have to force myself to process what has happened, I lay out in my head the stages that have happened, I force myself to acknowledge my feelings and accept them. I cry.
As Ollie places him into the grave we dug in the garden. I cry. I make sure to go to the grave and face what is happening, before retreating to the bathroom, to feel. Crying, sadness, pain, nausea, ache.
After a while of being on my own in the bathroom, it is time for me to come back to the world. I come to sit with Ollie in silence for a while. Eugene has died and there is nothing we can do about it. We are just present, and he is there for me. We decide to go out for dinner tonight to get out the house and give my head a little space. Once I am home, I come up to bed and begin this post.
Today has been a confusion. I am not one to process my emotions in a healthy way. I ignore and suppress any strong emotions and usually end up numb to what is around me, I compartmentalise my life and that is how I cope. Today I made sure to FEEL what was going on and acknowledge my emotions. I am proud of myself for this. This is progress.
Nobody ever teaches you how to deal with grief, you just learn it along the way. I am lucky that Nobody close to me has died and I haven’t had to deal with such heartache, this puts me at a disadvantage in the future though, how will I cope when family and friends pass? who will help me through that? myself? Today has made me open my eyes a little, and has shown me what I need to work on for future down points.
He was a Good Bun.
I am still sad, I am still feeling, I am still learning.